play in the rain, take a nap, go bungee jumping, read a whole book in one day, kiss someone, take a ride in a hot air balloon, play with a kitten, dance… a lot, laugh at yourself, spend a night under the stars, start a band, jog, talk on the phone, text, take a chance, go out on a limb, climb a tree, scrape both your knees, go to a drive in movie, paint, help the poor, watch tv, listen to music, play videogames, thank people who have helped you, dream, scream at the top of your lungs, write a story, watch the sunrise on a roof, chase a rainbow, take a friend exploring, introduce yourself to new people, hang with friends, help someone who needs it, make someones day, eat pancakes, tons and tons of pancakes, bake a cake, learn to cook, take risks to get what you want, go on a walk, call a friend you haven’t talked to in awhile, have sex, make a mix, laugh, sing, hold hands with someone special, learn to forgive and forget, run, spin, fall and pick yourself back up, go play, pretend you are young again, start a blog, tell someone something youve always wanted to tell them, take pictures with people who matter most, fullfill a goal, have a sleepover, ride the scariest ride you know, build a fort, feed the birds, drive just to drive, watch an old cherished childhood movie, cuddle, stomp out your misfortunes, dont think only of the bad but the good aswell, embrace your flaws, search for something beautiful, take a picture of it, play a sport, drive around, fall in love, make a change, smile and remember it doesn’t have to be the end.
So one of the tags I have posted on the left hand of my dashboard is “video games”. That’s how I found this, “things to do besides end your lifee”.
Now, the author of this passage (one t3chnacheerx) assumes many things about her audience, which, I can infer, is supposed to be on the verge of suicide. The most glaring of which is that they have a strong social life, one at least to support kissing, band making, sleepovering, and sexing. Now, after a brief perusal of t3chnacheerx’s (aka Lauren Elizabeth’s) Tumblr, these choices make more sense. Through her love for her cheerleading team, her hate for cramps and “talking shit”, and her “eeeeeeeeee :)” I can discern that she probably has had no problems doing any of the above activities if she pursued them. Kissing someone, for instance, has probably always been at her beck and call. Talking on the phone and texting close friends are second nature. Listening to music only drives her further away from the thought of killing herself, as her band of choice is Owl City, and who would want to end their life if they could get a billion hugs from lightning bugs, or whatever.
And some of these are quite a stretch indeed. Go bungee jumping? Take a ride in a hot air balloon? Ride the scariest ride you know? What?
Now, if I were sitting here, blade to my wrist on a dark winter Tuesday, praying to the gods for some sign to go through with it or not, that maybe not all hope was lost, and I saw Lauren Elizabeth’s stream of batshit consciousness appear on my Dashboard, I would plunge the razor as far into my vein as possible, and rip it downward, tearing through tendon and fat, spewing blood onto my desk, my computer, my yearbook with the unattainable crush circled in Sharpie, my depressing music collection, my even more depressing poetry about how no matter how hard I try I can’t cuddle or sleepover or kiss or sex or explore or anything with the friends I don’t have, and I would fall to the floor, body twitching and convulsing as my eyes roll back into my head, and with my last breath, my shaky death rattley voice, I would say “Fuck you Lauren Elizabeth.” Then, as my spirit descended to hell, I would be greeted by a demon with brown hair and a cheerleader outfit. She would constantly have her tongue hanging out the left side of her mouth (cause she’s so random LOL) and she’d say: “You should have eaten pancakes! Tons and tons of pancakes!” She would repeat this ad infinitum for the rest of eternity, as I was forced to forever transcribe her ignorant small-minded good-intentions bullshit on some blog called “Cheer Life 4 Eva!!!1”
I have no doubt that Ms. Elizabeth will probably read this, so Lauren, if you’re reading, stop. Stop thinking you are helping. You are the reason many people kill themselves. If you really want to help, fuck every loner at your school. Kiss them, and cuddle them, and watch movies with them. The fat one, the Asian one, the acne ridden one, the unibrow, the metalhead… Fuck them all senseless. And wear your cheerleading outfit when you do. Then tell the whole school you did, and that they’re actually pretty cool people. Bring them with you to your sleepovers, and your bungee jumpings, and your rainbow chasings. Then you will have helped.
This is Travis Broyles, for lonely motherfuckers everywhere, signing off.